Transitions

Finally!  I had made it to my senior year of high school and was already anticipating the next chapter following high school.  I had attached myself to the neighbors from whom I had bought my car, Jim and Lettie, and spent most weekends and holidays at their house.  They introduced me to cocktails (hello, margarita!), new music like Bob Marley and Joni Mitchell, and fun recreational activities.  They owned a dune buggy that they would regularly race in the desert, and we would often spend weekends away in their motor home.  The more time I spent with Jim and Lettie, the less time I spent at home...which was perfectly fine by me, but which just resulted in Mom becoming more bitter, angry and resentful towards me.

School had become a bore; I knew I would be graduating in a couple of months and that I had already been accepted to the college of my choice.  So I slacked off.  Once I turned 18 during the middle of my senior year, I started to check myself out of school in the afternoons whenever I felt like it.  Some days I would drive over to Nevada City, a small cultural hub in the Gold Country not far from my home.  The American Victorian Museum, which broadcasted the local listener-supported radio station (KVMR), was located within the compound.  Often, they would sponsor concerts with local and visiting musicians and I got to see a lot of really great live music in a small setting.  Since Lettie worked at the hospital in the area, she and I would meet for lunch or drinks and sometimes see a show.  I'd frequently run in to folks I knew from my high school, so that when Lettie's family obligations prevented her from going out with me I could find familiar faces.

During this time, I couldn't help but think about my birth mother.  I was now 18; I could (legally?) locate her now, right?  The thought filled me with excitement, but now that I knew I was "of age" I became hesitant.  I started thinking more about the actions that surrounded my birth, and wondered if a mother who had relinquished me as an infant would even want to know me now?  I mean, there must have been very good reasons for her to have given me up.  Perhaps no one in her life knew of my existence.  Would I disrupt her life as she knew it today?  The thought was a troubling one, and I couldn't seem to reconcile my mixed feelings enough to take any action.

I spent the summer baby sitting Jim and Lettie's boys for extra money.  While they were away on family vacation, they left me in charge of house sitting.  I relished the feeling of being absolutely alone, doing what I pleased without fear of any harsh criticism or interruption.  One night, some girls I know and I were looking for something fun to do and I suggested that we head over to Nevada City to see a show.  I'd been seeing a lot of reggae shows, and was confident that we'd find something interesting happening.  Instead of the thumping bass and gently swaying dancers I expected that evening, we encountered a punk rock band called Agent Orange.  It completely blew my mind!  This crowd had so much raw and powerful energy -- completely different from the relaxed, marijuana smoking crowd I normally encountered.  As I sat observing the scene, I noticed one skinny guy who was jumping up and down in place like a pogo stick.  Wow!  He really got some lift by standing in one place.  After the show, I ran into that same guy at the package store around the corner from the venue.  He rolled up in his little green Volkswagen bug and smiled sweetly in my direction.  We got to talking and I learned that his name was Mike and that he was from Auburn, the largest town in the area.  He asked if my friends and I wanted to go share some beers together, and I told him about how I was house sitting at a place with a jacuzzi.  That sounded alright to Mike!  But as he followed me down the winding back roads between our little villages, I began to have second thoughts.  I couldn't just invite a strange guy over to Jim and Lettie's no matter what my friends were encouraging me to do!  So I smoked him.  I stepped on the gas and flew through the wooded winds on the road that I knew so well.

However that was not the last I'd see of Mike.  A few weeks before I left for college, I ran into him again at the All High School Reunion in Auburn one evening.  Actually, his friend spotted me through the crowd and Mike excitedly sought me out telling me how disappointed he was in having 'lost' me that night in Nevada City.  We spent the evening strolling around Old Town Auburn, talking a little more about ourselves and exchanging phone numbers.  He walked me to my car and opened the door, explaining how he wanted to see me again.  Then he leaned through the driver's side window and kissed me on the lips.  I was so excited that I gave him my bag of weed.  Later that week, Mike and I made plans for a date, and I invited his buddy and a friend of mine over for dinner.  It was clear from the beginning that Mike was crazy about me.  After dinner, we ended up in the hot tub and shortly after that we were in bed together.  Naturally I was scared, as I had never been to bed with a man before.  But I knew instantly how much Mike liked me, plus I'd had a couple of drinks for courage.  

After that, Mike and I spent almost every day together that summer.  We went water skiing with Jim and Lettie, or swimming in one of the lakes in our area.  Once, he invited me over to his place when his folks were out of town.  When I had to leave for college I was completely distraught, because I was leaving for Santa Barbara while Mike would be in Berkeley.  We made plans to stay in touch, and promised to write to one another.  But I was worried I would be losing Mike forever, and I had grown quite attached to him.  

Towards the end of August, Mom and my sister drove me down to the small Liberal Arts college in the Santa Barbara area that I had chosen to attend.  I had wanted to get as far away from home as possible, but I was limited in the amount of resources I had available.  When my dad had passed away when I was 7, he had set up a small trust for my sister and I for college.  I remember that when he died, Mom had tried her best to gain access to the money and had even severed ties with one of her oldest friends over it as said friend had been the executor.  And once I finally received the money for college, Mom asked if she could 'borrow' $1000.  Mom was terrible with money, and I knew that if I lent her that money I would never see it again.  That money was the only financial security I had in the world, as most of my education would be paid through scholarships and student loans, and it wasn't much.  In the end, I didn't lend her any money and I know that my telling her 'no' drove us further apart.  But when she said goodbye to me in the parking lot of my new dorm, her eyes began to well up with tears.  I became short and told her that there was no reason to cry; I'd be seeing her again shortly at Thanksgiving.  I couldn't understand the intensity of her emotion, but would come to within time.

But for now, I was finally on my own.  It was liberating, but it was also down right scary.